Cocooning

The experts agree that cocooning helps you and your child attach and bond to one another.  Below is information we gathered ourselves, and found from other adoptive parents. 

By definition:

Cocooning = to wrap or envelop especially tight in or as if in a cocoon – a protective covering

Attach = to bind by personal ties as of affection or sympathy

Bonding = the formation of a close personal relationship (as between a mother & child) especially through frequent or constant association.

       These are just a few of the reasons we, upon our return home, will be cocooning (CAB).

Now some of you are thinking – Wait what? Or you may be rolling your eye’s (one of my favorites) wondering aren't you two going a little (or a lot) overboard?  Or that’s a bit dramatic isn't it?

The short answer is NO.......

What you need to remember is this is an adoption NOT a birth.  We don’t get those 9 months of pregnancy to help our family grow.  Nor did we get to experience the birth and first precious months (26 of them) of our child’s life.  Imagine not being around those first 26 months of your child’s life.  We are not bringing home a newborn, he's already 2.  Yet age wound't make a difference in cocooning. 

     Spending those first few precious months in an orphanage is not like bringing your newborn home. Having a large child to nanny ratio in most of the orphanages mean the CAB is almost nonexistent. Sadly when a newborn orphan cries they aren't immediately comforted.  After time they learn not to cry for what they need, as no one will come right away. These kids learn to wait until it’s “time” for their needs to be met. Crying doesn't do anything so why bother? 

I don’t say this to criticize the Chinese orphanage system or to get you upset with them. It’s just the way things sometimes work over there.  Not every orphanage is the same, but the chances of our child coming from this type are very high.

Cocooning will also help our child to learn that his needs will be met by mom and dad.  NO ONE else.  In the orphanage they have nannies that tend to their needs – food, changing, clothing, toys.  They are used to multiple nannies providing for them.  We need time with our child so they know they need to come to US for their needs.  They can’t just go to anyone or go “mommy shopping” when other women are around.  They have no sense of stranger danger.  If you offer them something to eat or drink they will gladly accept it. We do not want that to happen.  We want him to come to us for those things.  If he falls down and starts to cry we want our child to come to US for comfort.  Yes eventually we want our child to be comfortable with you all and know its ok to hug you, and take food from you etc.  Only after we have had time to bond and attach as a family.  He needs to come to us first and no one else. Coming to only us will help us with bonding and attachment as well.

Since I first wrote this we have learned that our child is in a foster home.  While we are so thankful for him to have a more family environment and more 1 on 1 time than he would in an orphanage, we will still need to CAB and his grief will be no less. He will have been with his foster family for 16 months by time we meet him. That means those first precious 10 months were at the orphanage.  We also found out that he WILL have to return to the orphanage prior to Gotcha day. Talk about a double whammy!  

Cocooning will also help our child to slowly adjust to Isabel (she is also a part of the family, and she will need time to adjust to him as well), his new home, neighborhood, city, and country.  Imagine all the changes our little guy will have gone through in just a few short days since we became a family.  Not only will he be taken away from the only home he’s ever known, he will then live out of 2 different hotels, eat new foods, have a different daily schedule and  travel by bus and plane multiple times. These are things our child will not have ever done (most likely) prior to meeting us. We will look different, smell different and talk different from what he has ever known.   Then add in a long plane trip home (2 connections, 1 having a 6 ½ hour layover), the introduction of a car seat (which we heard isn't the easiest of transitions!), meeting Isabel, and living in a home so different from the home he knew and spend the last 2 weeks in.

 Eventually we will make our cocoon mobile.  On those occasions when we do venture out we know he will be overwhelmed with this new world he’s living in, all the different places, smells, people, and noises. If you happen to see us during one of these outings please understand when we don’t stop to chat.  We will be happy to wave and say hello, but please remember we’ll still be cocooning, just in a mobile way.

 Like every parent we want to give our child the best possible start we can.  We hope you will pray for us all during this time and understand our need to cocoon. We are doing this for HIM and HE will determine how long our cocooning period will last.  We know how excited you all are to meet him and we can’t wait to introduce you to our little guy. When the time is right we will offer you an open invitation to stop by and visit.  We can’t wait to see you!

“When you all evolve from your cocoon you’ll be an amazing beautiful butterfly family.” – BJL